I have often wondered why I have so little patience for unrequited love -both in real life and in fiction & movies, etc. Lately I have found the answer. I have become such an expert at it myself that I no longer understand the horrible things pain and a breaking heart are expected to make people do. In movies, the most amazing and level-headed women turn into conniving bitches when in pursuit of men that don't return their feelings. The men on the other hand, turn into uncivilized and juvenile morons! (no surprise there) Similar examples are present everywhere, even literature.. just reread some of Shakespeare's tragedies & comedies and you'll get the picture.
Looking at "unrequited love" as it is represented in movies and fiction, the only explanation I can come up with is that the people doing all that writing aren't people who've had the pleasure(!) of being in love- alone. And it pisses me off to see the likes of myself portrayed as such underhanded, conniving and pathetic beings.
Believe it or not unrequited love does not turn one evil. --if it does, that could only mean that person was EVIL to begin with! Love is love, whether it is returned or not, it doesn't make a person plot the destruction of another human being. I should know... I've loved (and by love I mean the REAL kind. -u know the one where you wish you could rip your heart out just so you could stop the aching and pain you feel, where just the sight of the other person makes you giddy and his unfeeling response to your presence makes you judge yourself so harshly that you relive the last 10 years of your life, trying to figure out where you went so wrong!). In fact, the only kind of love I know is unrequited love. And as sad as this sounds, I do believe that that is the purest and most sincere kind of love there is. Unrequited love is the love you give, unconditionally, without any expectation what-so-ever. It's the love that's not deserved, but is given anyway. How many couples "in love" can say they love their lovers that selflessly? (Not many I'm guessing...)
"Unrequited Love..." the term says it all when you think about it. "Not reciprocated, not rewarded... But who says love is supposed to be rewarded? I was 13 the first time I learned what the term meant. And as funny as it sounds and seems, the only thing it changed in me was how fast I had to grow up. You could say it happened almost overnight. When I realized I couldn't force anyone to love me back, I had to learn to be content to love from afar, and try to make him happy whenever I could with whatever I was able to offer -and that was enough. Whenever my efforts paid off, and I miraculously was able to cause a tiny smile on that angelic face I so adored, that would be more than enough to make me happy. And on days it wasn't, it was better to have that than nothing at all... I never thought to disparage the women he expressed interest in or professed his love for. Not a single day went by where I even considered trying to sabotage a relationship he had. Now you're gonna say I was too young to be that calculating so let me refute that argument before you even bring it up. I may have been 13 when I fell in love... but it lasted way beyond my adult years. On some days, I still fear some of the love still remains -alive & well- beneath the heavy coats of hate I tried to drown my feelings in on the day I finally saw I wasn't being treated with even a shred of the respect I deserved as a person and should have been getting from him. I mean, I know I said I had no expectations, but that should not have to mean a girl has to give up all self-respect and let the man or men she loves walk all over her without even having to suffer any consequences...
Now you're probably already thinking: "Where on earth did that come from, what did she mean by men?" So I'll immediately elaborate on that... I was 15 when I started feeling the excitement of a new and really strong "crush," the kind one would assume I wasn't capable of having being that my heart already belonged to another undeserving, unappreciative and immature boy - "a moron" as my parents often described him. (no offense) But surprisingly, I was able to have strong feelings for another guy. In fact, the feelings were so strong that for a second there, I believed I was over "guy number one." Needless to say "guy number two" barely even noticed I was alive, and when he did, he -to my great dismay- treated me like the younger sister he never had. Now lets review my track record: #1 doesn't see me as anything more than a friend and #2 thinks I'm way too young to even be considered a young woman.. (no kidding! obviously he was right, but try explaining that to a 15-year-old heart that's completely immersed in LOVE, just like my parents. you too would have failed miserably...) So what did I do next? I went and decided that this time I should at least do something before giving up and rolling over. I decided to try to be more grown up than I actually felt... and ended up getting attention from almost everything male, including flies and even guy #2 noticed the change in me but the novelty quickly wore off and soon I was back to being the sweet and naive sister. -oh how hard I worked over the next 9 years to shatter that image of myself -only god knows.
Anyway, I'm gonna skip the drama and the details because they're insignificant to the point I'm trying to make. In the following years, I realized that the only way I would have a semi-normal life was if I gave up on the dream of being with someone I loved. And finally, I started dating -killing time while I waited for love. For a long time I was able to convince myself that both guys were part of my past, distant memories... But then about 6 years ago, as I was about to graduate high school, I realized guy number one was still very much in my head and in my heart. I tried to ignore it when I found out he was dating someone I really liked and respected but eventually the suppressed feelings came back years later to bite me in the ass, when I really just wanted to move on.
In the mean time, guy number 2 had a brief episode of temporary insanity where he was suddenly interested in me, my freshman year in college (soon after first showing interest in my own SISTER).. However the timing was so bad and we were both so fucked up due to certain events in the near past that had brought us there that neither one of us was in a place where we could handle any more than a fling. (then again, I may have tried if he had shown any interest, but lets face it, that wasn't gonna happen, at least not then.) So with that fling, I got him out of my system... or so I thought. For years he was my best friend, there with me through my break-ups and guy trouble and the fun times. Our relationship with each-other was so relaxed and comfortable that we could talk about EVERYTHING. (And by that, I mean truly everything. He even taught me how to give a proper blow-job, using a banana to demonstrate the whole thing, making my boyfriend at the time eternally grateful)
And then years later, I finally have something I didn't have back then: HINDSIGHT! It was last year that I finally was able to admit to myself that I've always compared my boyfriends to guy number one, and found trivial flaws to make them fall short. Even when they had everything else I needed, there was one thing missing: they weren't HIM. Just when I thought I had figured this whole thing out, guy number two came shooting back into my life, literally. And suddenly it all became clear to me. I was in love with both my best friend and the one that got away. I had been, for almost 10 years. (And god knows if I had put just half the amount of effort and energy I put into maintaining those two relationships, into any one of the actual relationships I had, or into finding someone that would love me back, I might have been married, even with child by now!) You know how in movies the heroine often ends up having to choose between two guys who truly love her. It's a little bit like that. But unlike having to choose between two men who love me, I've been torn between two men that don't love me back so it's been that much more difficult to move on. After all, what was the point of picking one when I knew it was not going to make any difference?
Anyway, let's get back to the subject of love now that I'm done getting sidetracked. As you can see, it is more than possible to love someone who doesn't love you and manage to avoid becoming a scheming witch. Granted, I'm pretty sure I must have had the urge to gouge out the eyes of some of their girlfriends that would treat them or me disrespectfully but I never let those passing urges take over my behavior towards anyone or affect my treatment of those women. And I most certainly never wished for either guy to get dumped or prayed for their relationships to fail. In other words, I never wished anyone ill for having what or who I don't have. I guess that's why I have so little respect or patience for the jealous and vindictive unrequited lovers in life and in art. Because to me, love whether requited or not, is about giving something without any expectations for something in return. It's about loving someone for who they are, and the feelings their sole existence gives rise to within your soul. It's not some math, or equation where you can insert the necessary values and the formula suddenly makes sense. It is quite possible to love unselfishly... all you need is a touch of masochism and you're good to go... Just like I was. (Sometimes even for years!)
Anyway, I just wanted to voice my frustration with the portrayal of my kind... we're not scorned evil women, or scary and horrifying succubi, waiting to tear off people's heads or shatter their happy relationships because of our jealousy and resentment. We're just people, that love a little differently than most... And in this age where people are so ready to preach tolerance for every different kind of person, every race, ethnicity, religion, belief, sexuality and varying morals, it's surprisingly unfortunate that the one thing we seem to lack tolerance for or something as innocent, pure and harmless as LOVE. What a shame...
