Firefly

FIREFLY

Another night, 

Another flight, 

And all I can hear is a silent cry. 

The firefly, 

blissfully ignorant, roams the sky 

while I breathe in the deafening quiet 

of another lonely night. 

No more strong arms, to hold me tight, 

No more butterfly kisses, to keep my days bright. 

I’m alone, as always, 

Loneliness has become my plight. 

All the music has gone away, faded into silence. 

Just like the loud empty shells of people that often gather around. 

Meaninglessly crowding the halls reserved for lost souls. 

And finally I am left drowning in my own tears, 

festering, covered in black holes. 

No love in my life to keep me going, 

No life in my love to keep the blood flowing. 

I stare at the firefly, 

blissfully ignorant of its fatal fate… 

My heart fills with envy, and my body aches. 

Wish I could be the firefly… 

burning & shinning bright, 

all the way, clueless until the very end, 

until darkness takes over my body 

& eternal silence buries my soul in its bowers and springs… 

What a peaceful way to go it would be, 

If only I could leave, believing in the lie that is life, 

So blissfully, clueless with naïve abandon, so obliviously! 

The mountain is calling my name, 

She’s asking me to dare to jump… 

But the silence beyond scares me senseless, 

I’m afraid to see myself naked to the bone, 

revealed, 

all alone. 

If only I could live without having to understand anything, 

If only I could be five again… 

Then I could jump, without fearing the end. 

Maybe then, I could end up happier without having to pretend! 

What sweet existence that would be, 

To roam in the dusk, to be a firefly 

To convince myself to gently kiss the starry night’s sky 

with my light burning out through shinning bright. 

I have lost myself, & shattered my soul, 

All in pursuit of my one true goal: 

To feel whole again, 

To go home again… 

That is my one true goal. 

That is the only desire of my otherwise immortal soul! 

The only desire of my immortal soul…

(thoughts from around the campfire in Uludag)

Spotlight

Sometimes it gets lonely in the light,
those are the times, when I crave the familiar,
the times I hold on to whatever is nearer.

I've been lost so long that nothing ever gets any clearer,
My hearts damaged and the drugs dont heal her.
People say I should just move on, keep on keeping on,
but my strength seems to be running too low
along with the ammunition I would need to once again glow,
as I used to, too many years ago.

My innocence, is long-dead;
My determination, long-gone.
I don't know where to go or who to be.
I stand at the edge of a cliff, too afraid to jump
but too messed up to head home...

I saw my soul get old, before she could even grow-up,
First she gave up on life, then she let go of love.
Losing herself more and more, every day,
Stranded and alone, stage-left, still, in the spotlight.

She glanced around hoping to find,
anything warm,
anything familiar,
but in the end all she could grab were
people who would eventually jail her.

At first she'd sit in her golden cage,
Singing, ignorant and blissful,
Then eventually, she would open her eyes,
And begin listening to the silence, and seeing all the violence
Then she'd stop humming the same old complacent tunes.
And watch her castle crumble down, her cage, come apart.
Her life would soon follow,
Leaving her with a broken heart,
And bringing her, all the way back to the start.

I watched my innocence get murdered,
not once, not twice, but over and over again.
It was murdered until there was nothing left to kill,
at least, nothing that wasn't already too ill.
I trusted blindly until the murders were over,
However, never again can I trust so,
I've heard too much horror, seen too much sorrow.
Never again can I so naively follow,
any one man out of the light, and into the shadow.

Yes, it can get lonely in the light,
as I try to passively shame the world around me with a vengeful gaze,
it gets even lonelier,
when I see the rest of the world is unhinged and out to graze.
those are the times, when I crave the familiar,
the times I hold on to whatever is nearer.
But in the end all I've ever grabbed were,
people who'd first abuse my heart,
And then jail her.

So, I've decided to step out of the light,
Maybe disappear or hide if I can
Maybe then, my luck will change,
Maybe then, I can heal once again.