My Home

Darkness envelops my body like
a quilt of regrets and sorrows
each event of my life, patched together, piece by piece
as I try to solve the puzzle,
as I try to make sense of it all.
But all I can see are blacks overpowering the whites,
all I can see are the disappointments and fights…
I never thought life could go so awry
And to this day, I still can’t help asking: “why?”

I tried to make life work, tried to be happy
but somehow there was always something that wasn’t right.
And although at first I put up a good fight,
eventually I gave in, and I think that’s where I lost sight.
Afterwards I wandered aimlessly,
A blind man in a forest of forgotten hopes and dreams,
tripping and stumbling but still with my head held high,
desperately trying to scour my world of all the lies.
desperately trying to purge my life of needless disguise.

That’s when you came in to my life,

and distracted me from all the madness.
If only for a single moment; I felt whole again, home again.
You made the days seem brighter,
You made me want to be a fighter.
But then I gained my strength and stretched my wings,
Only to see you had built me a cage to live within,
and you would not give in;
for you wanted me all to yourself…
You wanted me to need you, more than I needed myself!
I knew just then, I had to leave,
Not because I didn’t love you, because I probably did.
But because I saw that you and I,
Rather than give each other wings in order to fly,
Would only trap one-another,
in golden cages hanging from the blue sky.
We were too attached, too afraid that we might lose hold,
So instead, we let our hearts grow cold
by always refusing to unguardedly fold…
And that, could not be right,
it could not be the proper way to mold.

We had to learn that love is trust.
We had to learn that love does trump lust…
We had to learn all that, not from each other,
but through different bodies and different souls,
or all would have been forever lost,
maybe even swept away violently, in an unanticipated gust.
Leaving us with only a ghost,
of a wrecked friendship, that once, against all odds,
sang a beautiful song of all that was to come…

I thought you were my home, but it seems, I was wrong…
Our love, although strong, failed the most important test.
There was no trust between us, and that’s what brought our end.
Sometimes I wonder if we made the right choice,
Sometimes I wonder if I should have been content to lose my own voice.
Those days are the worst.
They reek of defeat from dawn till dusk, and then:

Darkness envelops my body like
a quilt of regrets and sorrows
each event of my life, patched together, piece by piece
as I try to solve the puzzle,
as I try to make sense of it all.
But all I can see are darks overpowering the lights,
all I can see are the disappointments and fights…
I never thought life could go so awry
And to this day, I still can’t help asking: “why?”

Why does it feel like I, always went wrong?
Why do I always end up here?
And even more important than everything else:
How do I find, my own way home?

Because I thought you were my home,
but it seems, I was wrong…
Because I thought you were my home,
but now it seems like I was wrong…

Hidden Rainbow

Stormy weather,

clouds whispering softly,

drawing in, nearer.

doom hangs around,

addictive like drugs from a dealer,

and in the mean time I cry,

I cry of loss,

I cry of pain,

I cry for a healer…

My nails on his back,

dig in, deeper and deeper.

I can’t let go for fear of the grim reaper.

At night he visits me in my bed, in my head,

wearing his many different faces,

all of them scary,

all of them uninvited in my dreams, 

wreaking havoc 

like the infamous killer of Elm Street, 

Freddy Krueger.

As I lie awake in the morning,

the fear floats away 

with the dawning of the day,

and dark, lifting, 

light, breaking through the screen of horror

another night is survived, another battle just barely won.

And somehow miraculously,

I still find the strength to go on.

I still find the strength to go on.

Stormy weather,

clouds whispering softly,

drawing in, nearer.

doom hangs around,

addictive like drugs from a dealer,

and in the mean time I cry,

I cry of loss,

I cry of pain,

I cry for a healer…

I’m waiting for the sun,

I’m waiting for my strength.

Don’t know why, but

They both love to make me wait.

In anger I’m consumed fully,

As I shake my head in agony,

captivated in a livid & perplexing rage…

someone must be accountable,

someone must pay, 

the price, for destroying what was once, 

so innocent, so nice!

But my wait is in vain,

for no one sees the world through my eyes,

no one feels this pain that never dies,

and no one hears the vicious chatter,

hidden, among the whispering clouds, 

rapidly flooding my skies.

They can’t understand loss,

Since they don’t feel my pain.

All they keep seeing in the mirror is,

the rainbow after the rain.

Ignorance is their bliss.

They do not wish to know “of “ the pain,

All they want to hear about is 

the rainbow after the rain!

The rainbow after the rain…

In the mean time I’m waiting for the light,

at the end of the tunnel, 

in the final round of my fight.

I’m waiting for my savior, 

to take me out of this rainy puddle, 

and into the sunlight.

Don’t know why, but the wait seems to be taking forever,

Forever and ever and another long, dreary night!

I scour the skies for a sign,

And there’s no sign of my healer.

No sun, to bring out the rainbow after the rain,

No chance of harmony,

around the bend, once I’ve overcome the pain…

No loving support to help me through the stormy weather.

No evidence of happiness 

as I near the end, when not much is left to gain…

Without someone to temper my catty anger,

Or someone to love and pamper me as I purr,

Or someone to gently stroke my regal mane,

I am left outside in the cold stormy winter: alone, naked,

Still waiting for the rainbow after the rain.

Searching tirelessly for the silver lining,

The reward, after all the hardships and the pain.

I’m waiting for the sun,

I’m waiting for my strength…

I’m waiting for the light,

I’m waiting for my savior…

But the wait is in vain.

My wait is in vain.

Nothing takes away my pain.

Nothing frees me of my crippling chain.

I’m a rebel at heart 

and now I can see that I need the pain.

In order to go on,

In order to create,

I need the pain as well as the chain.

I need the gruesome contradictions,

as well as the rainbow after the rain.

I’m chasing the sun,

day and night,

just to get a single glimpse in the mirror,

of the rainbow after the rain.

I see her from a distance, 

Full of fragrant color and luminous hope,

She emanates beauty and oozes harmony, 

diligently inspiring peace.

I suppose she could be,

the rest of my life’s missing piece!

Firefly

FIREFLY

Another night, 

Another flight, 

And all I can hear is a silent cry. 

The firefly, 

blissfully ignorant, roams the sky 

while I breathe in the deafening quiet 

of another lonely night. 

No more strong arms, to hold me tight, 

No more butterfly kisses, to keep my days bright. 

I’m alone, as always, 

Loneliness has become my plight. 

All the music has gone away, faded into silence. 

Just like the loud empty shells of people that often gather around. 

Meaninglessly crowding the halls reserved for lost souls. 

And finally I am left drowning in my own tears, 

festering, covered in black holes. 

No love in my life to keep me going, 

No life in my love to keep the blood flowing. 

I stare at the firefly, 

blissfully ignorant of its fatal fate… 

My heart fills with envy, and my body aches. 

Wish I could be the firefly… 

burning & shinning bright, 

all the way, clueless until the very end, 

until darkness takes over my body 

& eternal silence buries my soul in its bowers and springs… 

What a peaceful way to go it would be, 

If only I could leave, believing in the lie that is life, 

So blissfully, clueless with naïve abandon, so obliviously! 

The mountain is calling my name, 

She’s asking me to dare to jump… 

But the silence beyond scares me senseless, 

I’m afraid to see myself naked to the bone, 

revealed, 

all alone. 

If only I could live without having to understand anything, 

If only I could be five again… 

Then I could jump, without fearing the end. 

Maybe then, I could end up happier without having to pretend! 

What sweet existence that would be, 

To roam in the dusk, to be a firefly 

To convince myself to gently kiss the starry night’s sky 

with my light burning out through shinning bright. 

I have lost myself, & shattered my soul, 

All in pursuit of my one true goal: 

To feel whole again, 

To go home again… 

That is my one true goal. 

That is the only desire of my otherwise immortal soul! 

The only desire of my immortal soul…

(thoughts from around the campfire in Uludag)

Spotlight

Sometimes it gets lonely in the light,
those are the times, when I crave the familiar,
the times I hold on to whatever is nearer.

I've been lost so long that nothing ever gets any clearer,
My hearts damaged and the drugs dont heal her.
People say I should just move on, keep on keeping on,
but my strength seems to be running too low
along with the ammunition I would need to once again glow,
as I used to, too many years ago.

My innocence, is long-dead;
My determination, long-gone.
I don't know where to go or who to be.
I stand at the edge of a cliff, too afraid to jump
but too messed up to head home...

I saw my soul get old, before she could even grow-up,
First she gave up on life, then she let go of love.
Losing herself more and more, every day,
Stranded and alone, stage-left, still, in the spotlight.

She glanced around hoping to find,
anything warm,
anything familiar,
but in the end all she could grab were
people who would eventually jail her.

At first she'd sit in her golden cage,
Singing, ignorant and blissful,
Then eventually, she would open her eyes,
And begin listening to the silence, and seeing all the violence
Then she'd stop humming the same old complacent tunes.
And watch her castle crumble down, her cage, come apart.
Her life would soon follow,
Leaving her with a broken heart,
And bringing her, all the way back to the start.

I watched my innocence get murdered,
not once, not twice, but over and over again.
It was murdered until there was nothing left to kill,
at least, nothing that wasn't already too ill.
I trusted blindly until the murders were over,
However, never again can I trust so,
I've heard too much horror, seen too much sorrow.
Never again can I so naively follow,
any one man out of the light, and into the shadow.

Yes, it can get lonely in the light,
as I try to passively shame the world around me with a vengeful gaze,
it gets even lonelier,
when I see the rest of the world is unhinged and out to graze.
those are the times, when I crave the familiar,
the times I hold on to whatever is nearer.
But in the end all I've ever grabbed were,
people who'd first abuse my heart,
And then jail her.

So, I've decided to step out of the light,
Maybe disappear or hide if I can
Maybe then, my luck will change,
Maybe then, I can heal once again.

Insecure

A free spirit, after running free,
Lingering behind, lost and blind
Shivering in the cold dampness of a dark cloud.
Searching for a being of clarity…
Seeing green,
Feeling blue,
Crying red,
Dying a ghostly white!

Naked finger
Unmarried- unwanted.
Resenting the living….
A swing, occupied by ignored children
In a Playground for the forgotten
Duly brings forth,
the silent wounds of bitter abandon.

In the meantime, I sing,
With a piercing but tender scream:
“Angel of death -where is he?
When will he come to get me?”
Winged unicorn –flying free
Free of judgment and of responsibility.

Artemis, aiming her enchanted arrow,
At another young and unlucky widow,
Suffering excruciatingly through childbirth,
Ceaselessly weeping, powerless against her woe.
Artemis, rapidly but gracefully
Saving and freeing her brood,
From an existence without “purpose”-the age-old soul-food,
Selflessly rescuing her offspring, from deceit and treachery.

No longer am I a child,
wide-eyed, but mild.
So now I know, I can see.
How going back in time,
To the age of innocence
Where courage is ample,
And believing easy,
would be a dreamy reality.

The price of happiness seems to be always rising.
With diamond cuts and clarity, over love and pure lust.
Devotion sans ring –without that bling!
Rarely helps bring, the universal happy ending.
However, if perchance, found: “Yes, it’s truly endearing.”

Hopeful,
Full of hope -to succeed in execution.
Or is all, just another illusion?
Train of thought
-a chaotic and urgent expedition…

Leaving me lingering
-quietly shivering,
One more train has gone by,
without even stopping;
And still, there’s no being of clarity,
no healing, no resolution.